I am writing with good news. Not good news for you. Let me explain.
You are probably in a pretty good mood right now, understandably. Your puppet is running my country. Not your country. My country. You chose to give away your citizenship of Australia, presumably because you can make more money as an American. So now you are precluded from voting in Australian elections, which is by the by because you are, I’m depressed to say, having the pulling-out-a-plug-in-a-bath sort of influence regardless. Compared to my citizen’s vote being equal to pissing in the ocean.
However, I’ve moved on from the anger I felt about this situation in the lead up to the election, when you used your Australian newspapers to not just campaign for an Abbott government win, but to bully and downright corrupt your way into power. You got what you wanted and now we (Australians, not you) have to live with the consequences. I studied marketing at university (and graduated, did you graduate from Oxford Rupert?), so I understand why you were so anxious, in a business sense, to ensure a whole new market for television viewers didn’t suddenly open up via the internet via a world class National Broadband Network. A business owner should do whatever he or she can to protect their market share, whether selling fruit or Foxtel subscriptions. I can see why it’s in your personal best interests to kill such progressive infrastructure reform in Australia in a dollar and cents way. This, of course, doesn’t make your behaviour in campaigning against the Labor government to rid your company of the NBN any less evil. What you’ve done is akin to a fruit grower sneaking into his neighbour’s yard in the night and burning down his apple orchard, because his own orchards aren’t bearing profitable fruit. So yeah, your ethics leave a lot to be desired. But what would we expect from a person whose newspapers profited from the hacking of a dead child’s phone? Business ethics? What a fucking joke.
I guess with this free run you’ve given your puppet candidate, it’s understandable that the puppet is feeling a tad cocky. This cockiness seems to be of great pleasure to you. Amazingly you even managed this week, amongst your excitement, to deliver a tweet without a spelling or grammatical error. Good work Rupert.
So you’re pleased with the level of obedience you are seeing. You love that Australia has just become the first nation in the world to turn off a climate change alleviation policy, when other countries are fighting similarly evil, rich old men like you to implement their first action against climate change. You’ll be dead before we truly know how fucked we are by your evil acts. I guess the safety of your young children and grandchildren is of no consequence to you. Not when there’s money to be made in your lifetime.
But the thing is Rupert, your joy at your puppet’s quick and decisive action to show us just how conservative, backward, unthinking, anti-intellectual, misogynist, circa 1950 and just plain old fuckwit Australia’s new government is going to be, may have some unintended consequences for you and your puppet and your puppet’s government.
I know you might not have noticed the outrage your puppet has caused in the very first three days of being in power, a power you have longed for and your puppet has longed for your entire lives. I guess it’s understandable that you don’t hear the masses when you only follow 47 people on Twitter and I can see you choose those Tweeps very carefully. A quick scan of the accounts you follow reveal The Australian, Boris Johnson, Pope Francis and the puppet himself. Excuse me if I pass on attending your next Tweet Up. But I’m fairly well connected with Australian Tweeters and this is where I get to the point where you will understand why my letter is a joyous one. You see, Australia’s progressive Twitter population might be a very small population, but we’re representative of a larger whole and we’re wholly outraged by your behaviour in unethically delivering your puppet power. And equally as outraged by the way that this puppet is also using this power. So what? I’m getting there.
Surely you’re smart enough to advise your puppet that it’s not exactly bright to prove how ready-for-power and not-sexist he is by naming himself as the Minister for Women’s Policies and Programs in a cabinet of only one very questionable woman. Leaving aged care, disability and science from Cabinet Ministries. Scrapping the Climate Commission. Meanly removing the popular Steve Bracks from a diplomatic post. Petty sackings of bureaucrats. Promoting a work for the dole policy for indigenous Australians (hello race discrimination) and a reduction in indigenous legal aid. Managing to piss off our largest and most populace neighbour, Indonesia, just to name the highlights.
Going this hard, this early is only going to have one outcome, and this is not a good outcome for you and your puppet. I know all the actions I have listed above would count as achievements to people like you. But not everyone feels this way. In fact, through these actions, your puppet has done something Labor was unable to do over the last six years, and it’s something that is going to hurt your puppet’s government deeply at the next election. I even think it will make my hash-tag prophecy come true. #OneTermTony. It’s pretty simple Rupert. Something has shifted. You and your puppet have unified and mobilised progressives. We got sidetracked over the last six years as our progressive Labor government delivered reform after juicy policy reform. Our eyes came off the ‘fighting Tories’ ball as Labor MPs infighting and Labor vs Greens infighting removed effort from the primary goal of ensuring baddies like you don’t win government. But we’ve learnt our lesson now. In only three days, we’ve collectively learnt our lesson. Thanks to you and your puppet, we’ll never err again. You’ve sparked a revolution and for that, I am very thankful. Not grateful, because you haven’t done it purposely. But thankful. Well done Rupert. Australia will, eventually, thank you. Because after progressives unite to rid this great country of your puppet, we will never forget the part you played.